Finally putting my foot down~ and not giving in.
I'm kind of proud of myself.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
dafaq
If he wanted me to hate him, he did a damn good job!
I just want my stuff back, and then we never NEVER have to speak to eachother again. Since I'm soooo crazy- yet he's the one that thinks he's possed- because he can't accept that he's depressed.
YEAH- I'M PSYCHO!
I just want my stuff back, and then we never NEVER have to speak to eachother again. Since I'm soooo crazy- yet he's the one that thinks he's possed- because he can't accept that he's depressed.
YEAH- I'M PSYCHO!
Starting a new chapter-
Well, it's official... I am moving to Florida.
Probably going on a vacation for awhile to set everything up, then once my SSI is approved I'll be moving all my stuff.
Talked to mom and the family about it, they seem a little sad- but happy for me at the same time.
I'M SO EXCITED!
Probably going on a vacation for awhile to set everything up, then once my SSI is approved I'll be moving all my stuff.
Talked to mom and the family about it, they seem a little sad- but happy for me at the same time.
I'M SO EXCITED!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
A new start-
Well, I think I have finally made up my mind- all the pieces are falling into place.
I have decided that I am moving to Florida to be a nanny to my best friends children- and to be close to her and my brother-in-law (from another mother)
I think this is the change I've been needing.
I don't want to leave my family- but I need to do something for me. I need to grow and be on my own.
I've had a hard time dealing with leaving my Mother. Not that she can't take care of herself, lord know she can, I have just felt guilty- all of my other siblings have left- and two of them don't even talk to her.
I know she'll be fine on her own, and maybe this will be good for her as well.
I don't know what will happen- but I'm ready for whatever this chapter in my life brings.
I have decided that I am moving to Florida to be a nanny to my best friends children- and to be close to her and my brother-in-law (from another mother)
I think this is the change I've been needing.
I don't want to leave my family- but I need to do something for me. I need to grow and be on my own.
I've had a hard time dealing with leaving my Mother. Not that she can't take care of herself, lord know she can, I have just felt guilty- all of my other siblings have left- and two of them don't even talk to her.
I know she'll be fine on her own, and maybe this will be good for her as well.
I don't know what will happen- but I'm ready for whatever this chapter in my life brings.
Living with a new heart.
It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have any type of "mental illness"- I hate that term by the way.
How you are unable to control the things that come out of your mouth, or fingers whichever the case may be.
It's even worse when you can't explain it to yourself- knowing that I wasn't always like this, makes it ten times worse.
It all started when I had a heart transplant- I don't know if it's the med's or they kicked me in the noggin during surgery- what I do know is that I haven't felt the same sense.
Aside from feeling like I don't even know my own body- I don't even like my own body. I don't like knowing that someone else's organ (gross) is keeping me alive.
No one- other than a heart transplant patient could or would understand that- and there in lies the difficulty in explaining some feelings to people.
You feel like you have no control over your own life, the medications control you. It's a constant reminder of who you were and who you will never be.
Please do not get me wrong- I am forever grateful for this chance that I have been given, I just wish it hadn't come with so many strings attached. They don't prepare you for living day to day knowing your alive because someones son or daughter isn't.
The reality of it is- there isn't a day that goes by that I am not reminded why I'm still alive.
You factor in all that bull shit- and add- the fact that all my future plans are gone.
Why you may ask- because- along with having the transplant, I now have chronic back pain....
It still amazes me that people wonder why I lash out- think about it... one day when you're 23-24 you have a doctor tell you that "Hey we're going to have to crack you open like a walnut- take out your heart- that's ya know killing you, and replace it with a dead guys!"
(pretty blunt, and it's not word for word what was said)
So, you the life as you know it ripped away from you, and you really aren't given a choice- I mean not really- it's just a gimme that you're going to have it done.
While your friends are going to college, getting married and having babies- you're trying to survive- trying to learn to live again, trying to accept the facts. You aren't the same person you were- despite what people may say, it changes every aspect of your thought process.
Your body changes, your mind changes.
Again, I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I know that's how it sounds- I promise you I am not!
I just wish- for one day- I didn't have to think about my mortality, the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin- that I can't go out in public without feeling judged or rejected.
~JKD~
How you are unable to control the things that come out of your mouth, or fingers whichever the case may be.
It's even worse when you can't explain it to yourself- knowing that I wasn't always like this, makes it ten times worse.
It all started when I had a heart transplant- I don't know if it's the med's or they kicked me in the noggin during surgery- what I do know is that I haven't felt the same sense.
Aside from feeling like I don't even know my own body- I don't even like my own body. I don't like knowing that someone else's organ (gross) is keeping me alive.
No one- other than a heart transplant patient could or would understand that- and there in lies the difficulty in explaining some feelings to people.
You feel like you have no control over your own life, the medications control you. It's a constant reminder of who you were and who you will never be.
Please do not get me wrong- I am forever grateful for this chance that I have been given, I just wish it hadn't come with so many strings attached. They don't prepare you for living day to day knowing your alive because someones son or daughter isn't.
The reality of it is- there isn't a day that goes by that I am not reminded why I'm still alive.
You factor in all that bull shit- and add- the fact that all my future plans are gone.
Why you may ask- because- along with having the transplant, I now have chronic back pain....
It still amazes me that people wonder why I lash out- think about it... one day when you're 23-24 you have a doctor tell you that "Hey we're going to have to crack you open like a walnut- take out your heart- that's ya know killing you, and replace it with a dead guys!"
(pretty blunt, and it's not word for word what was said)
So, you the life as you know it ripped away from you, and you really aren't given a choice- I mean not really- it's just a gimme that you're going to have it done.
While your friends are going to college, getting married and having babies- you're trying to survive- trying to learn to live again, trying to accept the facts. You aren't the same person you were- despite what people may say, it changes every aspect of your thought process.
Your body changes, your mind changes.
Again, I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I know that's how it sounds- I promise you I am not!
I just wish- for one day- I didn't have to think about my mortality, the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin- that I can't go out in public without feeling judged or rejected.
~JKD~
Always learning
Learning that you don't always have control of the thoughts you think or
the ones you air to others- It pisses me off (especially when I don't)
when others don't realize the power behind their words, or lack of
words.
I personally have to learn to think twice- sometimes 8 times before I say/type anything. UGH
I personally have to learn to think twice- sometimes 8 times before I say/type anything. UGH
Amends with no results.
Trying to make amends with someone who is fed up with your crazy behavior is like trying to explain your crazy behavior.
You want to believe that they would forgive you, like you would forgive them- but everyone is different....
One has to has to understand that just because it's something you would do, doesn't mean someone else would or could do the same.
Why the hell do I always sound like I'm Dr.Phil'ing people and/or myself?
I just can't say - hey, I screwed up- I'm human accept me for my faults- accept my apologize and move on. I accept yours?
I have to over analyze everything, and try to make it sound all sophisticated and what not- it's so stupid of me, and fake.
Like this, for 2 years I accepted being your verbal and emotional bunching bag- now, it's your turn. I was there for you, I took it all- now because YOU don't have the feelings I did- you tell me to fuck off.
That's a cop out.
THE END
You want to believe that they would forgive you, like you would forgive them- but everyone is different....
One has to has to understand that just because it's something you would do, doesn't mean someone else would or could do the same.
Why the hell do I always sound like I'm Dr.Phil'ing people and/or myself?
I just can't say - hey, I screwed up- I'm human accept me for my faults- accept my apologize and move on. I accept yours?
I have to over analyze everything, and try to make it sound all sophisticated and what not- it's so stupid of me, and fake.
Like this, for 2 years I accepted being your verbal and emotional bunching bag- now, it's your turn. I was there for you, I took it all- now because YOU don't have the feelings I did- you tell me to fuck off.
That's a cop out.
THE END
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